I have not been resting well since Tuesday.  Tomorrow, if all things went well, I will get the preliminary result of my Amniocentesis.  I can't bring myself to think about it at all.  I tried to occupy my time with just about everything else in my life.  Just there other day, Duke told me that he wanted a baby sister.  He promised he would be a good brother and he would help feed the baby.  What do I tell him if the test result shows that the baby has Down Syndrome?  I will not keep the baby.  Since I am now officially in my 18th week, I might have to have an induced abortion.  What does having an abortion feel like?  Does it feel like the actual labor?  Do I lay down and get knocked out while the doctor scrap and scrub?  The worst thing is that if the result is not available tomorrow, then I would have to wait another day.  

On Tuesday, my doctor calle and told me to go in and see him.  I knew something was wrong.  I was at the hospital a few weeks ago for the first trimester screening.  The screening came back positive.  It means that my baby is at a "greater" risk of having Down Syndrome.  Yesterday, I was scheduled to get an amniocentesis and the experience was not painful but it was more or less a very traumatic event for me.   Now, I have to wait until Monday, at the earliest, for the preliminary result.  I can only hope for the best for my baby.  He is already 17 weeks old and I don't think I can handle it emotionally if I have to get an abortion. 

Personally, if the result suggest that baby has Down Syndrome, I will not keep him.  Honestly, I don't think I can love him the way he deserves.  Why bring them to this world if you know you will not be able to take care of them?  The way people will look at you and your baby. 

BREATHE...

My evil husband is going to China again.  He always does that to me!  This time he will be gone from Nov 1-Dec 27. 

TWO whole months!

His reason is that he must attend two wedding parties.  His cousin (my father-in-law's younger brother's only son) is getting marry in November and his other cousin (my mother in law's younger brother's only daughter) is also getting marry in December.  Seriously, these all sound so wonderful but I am PREGNANT!  I do not want to travel to out of side during pregnancy.  Everytime I travel to China, I get sick.  I just don't trust the doctors there. 

*Steam* coming out from my head.

I am going to cancel all of his credit cards and his bank cards so that he can't withdraw money from China.  Puahhaha! 

Little Italy is having another festival.  Mulberry Street is stuffed with people and garbage.  On our way home from lunch, Duke said he wanted to get on the wheel.  I went to the booth and asked for the price.  At first the lady said $4, then she said $5.  I got a little snappy and I said, "Why don't you have the price listed on the window."  It's honest business, have a set price instead of changing it.  One lady told me that she's been coming to the festival everyday because her two girls went to school in Chinatown.  Everyday the price is different with these people.  When they are busy, it could go up to $6.  Anyway, it was fun.  To make it more entertaining for my son, I was screaming "MOMMY IS SCARED!  OMG I CAN'T LOOK."  My 4 years old told me "Mommy just open your eyes and watch yourself go up and down."  Afterward, he asked me if I was scared of height.  How CUTE! 

We took a bus home and he fell asleep.  I did not want to wait him and so I decided to pick him and walked a couple of blocks home.  Now, my arms are aching, my back is hurting and even my neck feels tight.  Am I getting OLD?

The internet at home is down.  Awww man!  Luckily, the New York Public Library has free wi-fi services at most of its location.  So, this morning, I drop-off Duke in school, went out  to Starbuck and bought a latta [which I really shouldn't be drinking] and handed out to the library.  I never knew that so many people depended on the library for free internet and computer usage.  The Mid-Manhattan Library opens at 10 this morning.  By the time I got here, it was almost 10 and already 30+ people were lining up outside the main entrance.  I didn't join the crowd and went to the Original Soup Man on 42nd Street and got a small bowl of split peas soup.  10:20 or so, I started to walk back to the library, took me a few minutes to locate the laptop docks on the 4th floor.  Only a few spaces were left [out of 20 docking stations].   As I was surfing away, the strange thing is, I can feel the people staring into my back.  So, I turned around and looked, 4 people are waiting next to the docking stations with a very unfriendly look on their faces.  >.<  I think I should get off the station as soon as I finish this post.  I really don't feel like I deserve to take up the space since so many folks are waiting.

Stressed out - adjective - afflicted with or incapacitated by stress.

I have never been so stressed out in my entire life, at least not up until now.  My son is turning 5 years old.  His academic career will officially begin next fall 2009!  Surely, it sounds like so far far away from now but I have only until the end of November to complete all applications.  It's less than 60 days away.  I have to decide on my son's future in 60 days.  Alright, I am a little paranoid, a little freaking out, and a lot of babbling, but so many schools, so many applications, so many school tours and... so little time.

Actually, I have narrowed down to 3 schools that I really like.  I have total trust in public education, but of course I am also picky about the demographic of the school, location and the curriculum. 

Number 1 choice:  Hunter College Elementary School

Number 2 choice:  New Explorations in Science Technology and Math (NEST+m)

Number 3 choice:  P. S. 77 Lower Labs School 

The only thing is, I feel that the second choice is the best.  However, my husband, his parents, and my parents all wanted Duke to attend these special, gifted and talented kindergarten program.  I've been there for 20 years.  I am stressed out about my son's education precisely because of this reason.  I don't want him to feel pressure into going to school.  I don't want him to feel that he must get 100 and/or A on every subject.  The application process for Hunter College Elementary School requires Duke to see a "psychiatrist" for a "intelligent" evaluation.  Then, once the school received this evaluation, Duke has to be scheduled for a group observation/interview.  Only 12 boys and 12 girls will be accepted for Kindergarten.

I feel like fainting already.  Anyway, I am trying to "communicate" with the family.  I think a local, nearby elementary school will turn out just fine. 

Now, back to fill out applications. 

Side Note: My husband actually wanted Duke to go to one of those prep schools in Manhattan.  They are like 33K+ a year.  It's almost half of my salary.  *breathe*  He had stopped mentioning it ever since I talk him out of it, but I have a bad feeling that he's doing something snearky behind my back.

It's been a while since I've been on Xanga.  I forgot how and why I had stopped using the website.  If I have to come up with excuses..ahem I mean reasons as to why, the two main reasons are:

1.  My husband treated me like a slave.  I don't have time to get online. 

2.  My son treated me like a slave too. 

So, why do I have time to get online at 12 o'clock in the afternoon?  Puhahah, because I am on leave this year and my son is in school and and and...my husband is away. 

P.S.  I am at the end of my third trimester.  BOY? GIRL?  I desperately wanted a girl, but the doctor told me that "it" looks like "it" has a weeny.